Maybe you have a big project or assignment you’ve been stressing about or you got in a fight with a friend. Maybe you’re really unhappy with your job or your relationship. Life can be full of adversity, but as long as we use our coping skills and just move forward it will be fine… right?
Well, that’s not always the case (enter nagging “I knew it” feeling). Sometimes all we can do in certain situations is to understand our feelings and practice self-care, but that’s easier said than done. Difficult and uncomfortable situations are much easier to avoid than to confront head on. The hope of preventing more discomfort can lead us to rely on “coping skills” that actually have the opposite effect. Not all "coping skills" actually help us cope...they may actually be making things worse!
“Coping Skills” That Might Not Be Helping
For example, do you notice that you…..
Avoid and Distract
It works in the moment to just ignore whatever situation or stress is bothering you, but all we are really doing is ignoring and invalidating our feelings. This might look like scrolling through social media to forget about it, procrastinating, or saying you don’t really care when someone hurts your feelings, despite the all too familiar lump in your throat..
Crave Substances when Faced with Stress
Notice that nagging thought and craving in your body that says “You’ll feel better if you smoke or drink?” The chemicals in your brain are happier when you follow that thought, but that feeling only lasts for a brief moment and, unfortunately, the stressor hasn’t gone anywhere.
Feel Tears Welling Up… Everytime
I am a big fan of crying to release and work through emotions. However, if we feel we can’t control our tears and that we start to cry every time we face stress, it might be time to look at some other techniques to help us cope with our feelings.
Get Angry and Yell
Anger is similar to tears in that it gets the emotion out, but usually in an unhelpful way. This is when we have to apologize for what we said earlier, mend relationships and still have to deal with the issue at hand.
Fall Asleep
Choosing to remove yourself from a stressful situation and intentionally going to sleep. can be similar to avoiding our feelings rather than getting curious about them. While sleeping can help diffuse the intensity of big feeling, it’s important to revisit the feelings with a clearer head later. We all need to catch up on sleep every now and then, but if you notice this becoming a common occurrence, let’s explore this response to stress.
If you’re realizing you’re relying on unhelpful coping skills, schedule your free 15 minute consultation to explore how therapy can benefit you.
It can be scary to think about challenging a habit or pattern that works for you, even if it only works in the moment. I’m confident that we can work together in a way that is not pulling the rug out from under you without a plan. We can explore how the behavior helps you and find ways to mimic those feelings through coping skills that truly benefit you. We can take baby steps to incorporate the new skills while phasing out the old ones. If you feel ready to explore your stress with a new perspective, schedule your free 15 minute consultation today to get started in therapy with Allie Kaelin, LMFT, APCC in Dublin, California today.
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